3-Wheeled Monsters

The Indian sub continent has been home to the 3-wheeled mosnters called auto-rickshaws for quite some time now. These monsters are manned by a special species of humans who have to under-go rigorous qualification examinations ...yeah just when u thought CAT was difficult.
To begin with , you need to know slang , yes any kind of slang , at least 100 bad words and should have watched Rajnikanth's "Basha" at least 10 times so as to learn his style only and nothig else absolutely.
An added advantage is if you are a descendent of either Chengiz Khan or James Bond along with being brain dead. A cross-breed of both is even better because it means you were born to be an auto driver even if u did not intend to and can conviniently skip trainings related to the Chengiz Khan and Bond Rules of Auto-Driving.

The funda is that you need the mental attitude of Chengiz Khan to drive on Bangalore roads while at the same time swearing at anyone who comes in your way and you need the skill of James Bond to twist and turn your 3-Wheeled monster in a zig zag - jigsaw puzzle kind of manner to reach your destination....well...simply because you are not allowed to drive straight.....cmon dont sigh...these are the rules ...be a sport....its not really difficult. Another important aspect is that you have to try your best to occupy the middle of the road leaving very little space both on your left and your right so as to not allow any other vehicle except ofcourse fellow-autos to pass ahead of you. No amount of honking should deter your resolve to own the centre of the road. Fellow drivers have now given up on honking and swearing cuz the auto-community is invincible , believe me, they really are ..especially after the government passed a bill in some legislative assembly that if you are an auto-driver , you automatically become the owner of the road on which you drive.
The auto-drivers who succeed in the above endeavour are given a special kind of horn - the one that sounds like a monster baby crying out loud as an appreciation token which they can then use to scare vehicles who are ahead of them.

The next rule is that you are not supposed to use any kind of signals ,automatic or manual while taking turns. For instance, first of all , you assess in your mind which turn u wanna take. If its a right turn, then u ensure that u travel on the left side and when its time to take the right turn, you just use your james bond instinct , close your eyes and turn the handle to the right. Beware...no signals absolutely. You are promoted to a higher level if you do the above when the signal is Amber and about to turn Red, where-in u incur the wrath of the vehicles who have already started approaching from the opposite direction.

While keeping in mind all driving related rules, the next important thing to remember is : " Take your passenger where you want to go and not where the passenger wants to go " and if at all the destination of the passenger does not match with yours, then you need to give the "most dis-interested" look combined with the " dont waste my time you morron " look if its a man or a woman in a boring sari or salwar , and the " this is my silliest smile ,baby " look if its a young college girl in jeans.

Certain hospitals in the city that do not get enough patients for their back-bone and head related departments went on strike for almost a month and the outcome was a secret pact signed between the Government, the Auto Community and these hospitals.So according to this pact, auto drivers dont slow down when they come across humps on the road, in fact they accelerate so as to ensure that the passenger either breaks his back or hits his head against the roof of the auto in the process and ends up going to one of these hospitals for treatment.

The above is one among the minimum 10 methods that every auto driver must learn to con his passengers, the most famous technique being buying faulty meters.Others in the list include distracting passengers when they get in there-by taking away their attention from the fact that you did not re-set your faulty meter , acting like u dont know the route to the destination in order to test whether the passenger knows the route, when actually u know at least 3 longer routes to the very same destination and becoming self-proclaimed owners of goods left behind.Well, if your passenger happens to be a Non Indian , then God Bless.

Although rules known to the general public say that a passenger is to be charged one and half of the faulty meters between 10 PM and 6 AM, you must and should intepret the rule as " Charge your passenger one and half any time you want and especially when it rains, or in a crisis situation where you know the passenger is as helpless as a tied -up goat about to be butchered ".

Last but not the least, njoy your drive by playing "Huttidhare Kannad Nadnal Huttabeku " as loud as possible all along the way.

Hmmm........well what more can i say except that all members of the auto-community have been performing exceptionally well and have been following rules to the dot without even the slightest deviation whatsoever.......Sigh !!!!!!.